Right now Keric is sound asleep in his bed, and has been for about two hours now. I should be sleeping too, but I'm having a hard time making my way up to bed. I've been sitting downstairs "watching" TV and thinking.
I am a little guilt ridden right now as I type, well maybe more then a "little". I am hoping that if I air out my guilt that I will either a) Feel stupid and realize I have wasted precious sleep time feeling guilty about nothing, or b) Validate my guilt by re-reading how I'm feeling right now. I'm really hoping that it's choice (a)and not (b).
A couple of weeks ago I got a phone call from my school asking me if I had thought about substitute teaching. I told them I had a little bit, but really hadn't done much more then thought about it. I talked to Chris about it, and he seemed to think it was an OK idea if I could find someone to watch Keric. I have been watching my sister in law Denise's two kids a little bit while she goes to work so I decided I would ask her how she felt about watching Keric once in awhile if I ever wanted to go and sub. She said that would be fine, and she would be willing to do that.
I didn't give it much thought after that until today when I got a phone call from Miss Manzione. She is a good friend of mine that I taught with and she needed a substitute for tomorrow afternoon. It's not even all day, just 1-3:30 or so. I agonized over this decision to the point she finally text messaged me that she needed to know for sure by 1:00 today.
So long story short, I called the school and told them I would come and sub tomorrow. I think it only took about 15 mins after the phone call for the guilt to set in. What in the world was I doing dropping my 3 month old baby off so I could go and work!?
Am I a horrible mother, or am I just ridiculous? I keep telling myself, I'll do this two hours tomorrow and see how that goes, and if it's just too horrible then no more until he is older.
What if he is just horrible for Denise!? What if he screams the entire time and drives her crazy? I mean he will probably be just fine. And I know it's not like I'm dropping him off at some strangers house for two days or something! He wont even notice I'm gone, right? Ugh, I'm a freak, I know! Talk about an overprotective, paranoid first mom huh?! WOW!
3 comments:
You are completely normal, that's all. I remember when I just had Acelyn, someone would pick her up and hold her and I would be right there. I would worry that they didn't really want to hold her, or something like that. Anytime anyone would watch her, I completely worried like that. In a way, I still do. It's just being a good mommy. All you are guilty of is loving little Keric so much! He will be just fine while you are gone for a couple of hours. I don't see anything wrong with you subbing. Have fun, and if anything..it's a tiny little break. I find that those little breaks give me a refresher and I feel like I'm a better mom.
I'm right there with Christel. It gets better as it goes, but I still feel like I am over protective of my kids and Halle is almost 4! I worry constantly when I am not there to make sure they are ok. You don't need to feel guilty (I know that won't rid you of it), Keric will be fine. And you'll get a bit of a break! (You'll come to treasure those little moments that are yours).
You know Natalee...that's tough. I've been thinking alot about Sarah Palin, and that very issue...I may blog about it...not that anyone cares, but I'm conflicted too...and always have been, I know that's why I don't have my college degree yet...hmmm
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