It's My Blog and I'll write what I want to!

I'm sure somewhere there is a blog etiquette about what you should and should not write about. I'm sure I should probably think about my audience and who is going to be reading this. I probably should remind myself that I'm posting this on the Internet, but.... It's MY BLOG and I'll write what I want to! You can chose to read it or not.

I don't write this in hopes of pity, I don't write this in hopes of tons of encouraging notes and comments, I don't write this so that you will feel sorry for me, I simply write this to get it off my chest, to maybe make the tears stop, hopefully to make MYSELF feel better, and just to record the challenging times of my life because I do have them, and one day I will need to look back on them and see that I have grown. I hope that one day I can do that with this particular challenge!

This year has been one of ups and downs. My hip replacement a year ago was life changing and a huge blessing in my life! I felt like my hip was the stumbling block to us adding to our family and now that it was fixed, we were good to go.

Sadly a year has passed, and two miscarriages later, I'm no where closer to having a baby then I was a year ago.

Is this even something that I should be crying over every month? Something that I should be sad about? I actually know people and have very good friends who don't have any children at all! Who wait in the hopes of one day adopting a child. I on the other hand have a wonderful little boy who is the center of my entire world, and who I thank my Heavenly Father for every single day multiple times a day! I also have two great step children who I have been given the very unique opportunity to be very involved in helping to raise and being a very big part of their lives; but I admit it... I am still sad. There is still a place in my heart that is empty. This can't be the end of my journey can it??

My depression has gotten worse over the past few months, and I have also now started having what I can only figure are panic attacks. I am so stressed out and upset about this baby thing that I guess you could say I have made myself sick. My weight is getting worse, because I eat to make myself "feel better" when I know that eating all the chocolate, chips, cake, whatever, in the world isn't what is going to fill the hole in my heart. It doesn't however seem to stop me.

Can I honestly be happy with just one baby? There are lots of people who only have one child, but I never thought I would be one of those people! Did I savor and enjoy every moment that I could have and LIKE I should have? What if I never get another chance at moments like that? What have I forgotten to do? All those little milestones in his life...did I capture all of them? Did I write them all down so I could remember them? I guess I always thought that I would get to see those kinds of things again... now maybe I won't and how am I going to be ok with that? Maybe I just simply won't be! Maybe that hole in my heart will be a permanent hole.

I wish I had a crystal ball, I wish I knew what the future held for me, I wish I wasn't so sad, I wish I wasn't so angry, I wish...that I was pregnant.